Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
