it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
high people should be assigned attendants
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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