we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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