i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
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