um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Randomize
