never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
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