Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
