How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
home. puking in laundry basket.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Randomize
