dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
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