He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
