I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
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