Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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