First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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