Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
