you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
