I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Randomize
