and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
