i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
