Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
