I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
