This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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