I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
