I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
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