I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
