my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
