Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
