Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
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