News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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