That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
