tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Randomize
