Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
false alarm. still invincible.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
