i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize