Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
My balls are so social today.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
