Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
