oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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