i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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