i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Randomize
