Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
