God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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