update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Randomize
