this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
