Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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