Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
