Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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