doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize