I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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