Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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