how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
