The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
