Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
