i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
