i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
