So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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