Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
