I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
