and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
