They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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