last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
