This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Randomize
