Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
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