ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
