I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
